This weekend I did the Landmark Advanced Course. Once again, I cannot even begin to explain its impact. In continuation of my realization from the forum, I made a further realization regarding my weight. When I was taken to doctors and nutritionists as a kid, I made it mean that I would never be happy, successful, or have a good life until I lost the weight. I responded with a righteous "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude and set out to prove just how happy and successful I could be in spite of my weight, which has inhibited my interest in losing weight. The new thing I realized this weekend is that I actually believe that I won't be completely happy until I lose the weight. I believe that a truly satisfying career and the man of my dreams await at the weight loss finish line, when I am thin. I don't expect these things in a fat body, I really don't. When I realized that I had created that "story", that meaning, I felt complete freedom. I went to the doctor and nutritionists, period. I am fat, period. Neither of those things MEAN that I can't have a satisfying job or Mr. Right. Not at all. By the way, since the forum, I've embraced being healthy. I've been eating well and exercising (boxing!) regularly, and I've lost 15 pounds.
"It's all about me!" I say this jokingly all the time, but on some level, I've always thought it was true. I actually consider myself as this isolated island and as long as I am doing well, I am getting ahead, I am having fun, then life is good. I have been very self-absorbed. I actually use people to help me accomplish something, to help me get ahead, to help me look good, to improve my social life, etc. I care more about how my life is impacted than anything else - my comfort, my convenience, my opportunity, me, me, me! I think my lack of interest in current events, the war, politics, etc. is a perfect demonstration of how I separate my life and my happiness and my success from everything else. My response has been how does that impact me? How does that help me? Why do I need to know? Why do I need to do anything about it? But this weekend I realized that self is not just about the individual, not just about me. We played a game in which if one person didn't win, no one won. There could not be a single winner of the game. Rather we were vested in seeing each other succeed, as much as we were in own success. We created an amazing sense of group and community in a very short time, in only three days. We created a space of trust and confidence and affirmation. We were truly connected and the power that came with that connectedness was indescribable. If one person can inspire and empower others around them, that group can accomplish so much more than a single person. On the third day, two people left the course, and the void created in their absence was huge. Without that sense of group, I wouldn't have known who they were or that they were missing. The idea that we can create that kind of group around us in our relationships, family, groups, community, organizations, and even the world is very real to me, and the possibilities that come with really caring about humanity as self are endless.
The leader kept saying I will stand for who you are until you do, you have no idea who you truly are. As I've discussed with so many of you, I've been in self-discovery mode for a while, thinking that I am uniquely equipped to do something better than anyone else in the world, and that my discovery of this would be based on my aptitudes, experiences, and personality. What I realized is that we see ourselves as what we have always been, how we have always reacted and responded since we were really young. We live our lives based on decisions we made and attitudes we assumed when we were 3 or 4 or 5 years old. I've always been a strong-willed person having spent most of my life as a 2 year old on the bottom step in time out. I realized that in times of failure or criticism, I respond with YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! You can't make me lose weight, you can't make me do it your way, you can't make me wake up (I just love that snooze button!), you can't make me stay here (moving all the time, traveling, changing jobs), etc. My response is not only to others, but also to myself. In this sense, who I am being is determined by how I've responded in the past. But I actually can choose to give up that attitude and invent myself as the person I want to be. We are all capable of choosing ANYTHING. My life can be anything I choose, I can do anything I want. At the very root of things, I want to make a difference that makes a difference.
The central theme of my life has been excitement and I have loved being the jetsetter. I get excited about things really easily; however, I also fizzle really easily. If I continue to only do things when I'm excited about them, I'll never really accomplish anything great. I'll never do anything big and long lasting, something that takes perseverance and commitment when it gets hard and loses appeal. We play games in our head where we justify our mentality. The thing is that we always win whatever game we're playing. I'm really good at the game of it's more important for me to eat what I feel like eating than to eat what I'm committed to. In spite of my best intentions, I always leave that back door open. Even if I've been eating healthy and exercising regularly, I allow myself to stop when I don't feel like it. I just need to close that back door and live into the possibility of integrity, of doing what I say I'm going to do even when I don't feel like it. The answer is clear that what I've been doing hasn't worked consistently, so why am I so attached to doing what I've always done? What am I holding onto? Is my weight where I want it to be and has my approach been yielding the results I want? Sometimes, but definitely not always. The idea is that we can live into our future. We can choose who we want to be and what our life is for, and that who we are is created by our actions in this moment and the next moment, and the moment after that. I'm excited by the possibilities of inspiration and integrity in my own life and in the lives of people around me. I take a stand for every person in my life that I will see you as the person you are until you do.
I was really inspired in our final evening session of the Landmark advanced course. The leader Cathy said to come with a problem and phrase it "I want (X) but (Y)". One guy stood up and said "I want a relationship with a female but I'm still in love with my ex-wife". So the logic is that we actually concentrate on what's stopping us (Y) rather than what we want (X). We think we should (X) but we shouldn't (Y), and the two can't possibly coexist. In reality, the two can coexist and if we focus on (X), we can achieve it. She said with any hope, he'd always feel love toward his ex-wife. She asked him what a really big breakthrough in that area would be and concluded marriage. Once you create a possibility for your future, then you can live into that future. Rather than saying someday you'll get married, mark it in the calendar that a year from today you'll get married. Then work backwards through what you would need to be and do to make that happen. So at 9 months you're engaged, at 6 months you have a girlfriend, at 3 months you have a significant conversation/intimate dinner/whatever, at 6 weeks you're dating several people, today you sign up on an online dating service, etc - you can break it out as much as necessary. The idea is that if you live into the future you want, you'll be who you need to be and accomplish what you need to accomplish to make that future a reality. Cathy said her calendar is filled with accomplishments (rather than "to do's"), based on the future she's designed for herself. It took her a while to get over the resistance that came with the idea of having such a planned life, but the thing is you're creating the future you want, and living into that future is incredibly powerful and satisfying.
